Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
</3

T.T I just want to be happy again

Few days ago. My happiness was back for a few days, just for a few days only. No! I refuse to lose it again! I've been sucking up for like almost the entire year. Most of the time I'm just sucking it up, walking alone, talking very little or almost to no one at all. Why? Have I been to easily hurt? Am I being too sensitive? I thought my happiness would last.. Or maybe I just have to open up once again. If my mind would let me. I hate being around negative people, they only make me feel worst. And sometimes even a single word could spark a flare in my world. I've went out this afternoon and had a nice time chatting with old friends of mine. I do actually enjoy talking in real life with people laughing and making me smile than facing in front of a computer trying to drive my anger to its peak. Sometimes it's just me, sometimes it's other people. But who can I blame? I'm responsible for what I am right now. Dear Jesus Christ please help me u.u I always tell myself to have faith but somehow these two days seem like sort of a challenge for me. I need friends to make me feel better, I need to calm myself down. Oh, what am I kidding? People will always be people. They bring you down, they talk shit, they don't care. Human beings, sometimes I wonder if we are like animals. Or maybe worst.. What am I? I always try to be nice to people, I do favors, I do all sorts of stuff just to make people happy. What does that make me sometimes? An attention whore? And when I don't actually care for people, what does that make me? A heartless person? ._. All I ever want right now is peace, and peace is all I seek for. If only I could go to the seaside and wait till dusk to enjoy the sunset. It would be pleasant to forget everything for a short period of time. But for now.. I'll just have to suffer, maybe there will be something nice in store for me. I hope there will be something nice. Cause I can't take it anymore. I'm just so tired. No one would help me if I'm on my knees. No one, and help sometimes is just so far away that I can't help but to suffer alone, to cry alone, to face everything. Alone..

Forgiving?

Forgiving sets the prisoner free, and that prisoner is YOU.
Gosh, those words did struck me a bit. I've change dramatically recently, I get heated up easily. I don't really like to talk to people, smiling has become alien to me. Almost everything has lost its account. I couldn't find a new best friend in university anymore. I feel soo alone, maybe I need to go out and start talking but how? It's just a bit tough you know cause I can't really adapt well to changes. And holding a grudge is getting me nowhere. It gets me depressed only sometimes, most of the time I'm just feeling the anguish burning inside my body. Have I lost it all? Or maybe I just need to go out and start exploring the world once again. Yes the world is big and if you don't go out there you'll forever be at the same place. But how? I'm scared to take the first step. No one's with me.. Where can I turn to sometimes? It's not fair for me to go and always find you people to complain about my problems. I can't really help it and I don't really know what to do.. The counselor in my uni is terrible, he can't really counsel me nor even help me solve my problem. ._. What kind of shit did I get myself into? Come to think of it, I felt like I blew away allot of chances in the past. But realizing it now, isn't it a little too late? Is there still room to improve? Why did I choose to do those stuff in the past? The question is always there.. And I cannot answer it.. It's going to be a bumpy ride, I hope I can make it up to you again. Losing you will be like losing a part of myself, I'm already on the edge. Yet some people just never seem to understand what I'm going through. They make fun of me.. Whatever, their choice. I'm used to it, I'm not stand out or anything. But I sure don't want to follow my parent's way of life. Its just not ideal for me, they can't even think for themselves. If it weren't for my aunt and granny I think I won't even make it to swinburne university. I don't even think I'll graduate out of high school.. I should start showing a little gratitude.. Before everything is too late..

People with attitude eh?

Seriously, I've met people come and go. Some really have the attitude and it gets on my nerves. I'm minding my own business, doing my own work. I tried to be nice, introduce you to an old classic game. You dissed it, first time I'll let it past. Second time you started dissing me when I was playing a game and not actually even asking you to play it. Like what the fu**?! You said crappy game, and worst of all you said crappy game for crappy people. You make fun of me I don't mind, but indirectly you're saying the person whom I cared about allot. And for that I'm gonna rip your fucking throat out! What's up with people nowadays?! Like what the fucking hell!!! One after another!! What the fuck is wrong with you people?! Like pissing people off? I'm on fire here right now

What is wrong with me?

Ok seriously I'm always feeling down and easily annoyed or angered. Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just having a hard time? Smiling seems kinda alien to me nowadays, and I still hate that old man. Its easy for me to forget what you did for me but hard to forget the bad stuff you said. I won't forget ever! But holding a grudge doesn't bear me any good. Seriously, how does holding a grudge solve anything? But then I just dislike the fact that you're pretending nothing happened a tall and trying to seal back the wounds like I'd forget what happened. It won't be so easy you bum, if you wanna make me forgive you start changing yourself first. Likewise I'll not talk to you for a while. So be it.

Idiots need to learn when to shut up

Ok fine, you're constant dumbness ruined my day! Just what the bloody hell is wrong with you? Huh? You love to complain? Get out of the friggin house!!! I have had enough of you! I was about to forgive you but you just blew your chance!! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you know when to shut the fuck up? I don't wanna hear anything from you!! I don't even want to fucking see you in my life understand?! Get lost! I don't need you! Mom doesn't need you! We all don't need you! Get out of my life already! I hate being constantly pulled down!

Is there still any hope?

Ever since that day you said we should remain friends. It killed me, I was never the same again. And now I have been reminded of reality again, I'm so weak at heart. Now I'm on my knees again. Why oh why? Is my fate so twisted and cruel.. Or is it me? Who should take the chance when I had it. It just kinda wasted away.. I still love you very much.. I'll do anything just to win you over.. But is that possible? Is it still possible? Should I take the risk? I'm afraid of rejection.. The fear of rejection.. It's been there.. I've faced it countless times.. I don't want to face it again.. I'm not the same anymore.. One more time and I'll go crazy. Maybe run to the highway... Hope the speeding car would make me a human bump. And it'll be all over. I just can't take it anymore. Life is harsh.. I'm not like other people.. I'm not standout at all.. What should I do? ._. I just want all of this to stop.. I want my life to be meaningful again. But all has gone the other way round.. What should I do? I can't do anything. There is nothing I could do anymore.. I've lost it all..

STOP TREATING ME LIKE SHIT OK?

Yes I know you're angry. But does that mean you can start blaming me for just saying one small wrong thing? Do you know how I feel? Do you even know all this while? How you treated me and how I treated you? I always tried to treat you so nice. But you just treat me like shit, the total opposite. I say 1 wrong word awhile ago and you're pissed. What does that make me? HUH? WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MAKE ME? I'M NOT A SANDBAG! I ALWAYS TRY TO DO THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY! BUT YOU JUST NEVER SEEM TO GET THE PICTURE! I'm just so tired.. I'm so tired.. I feel like letting go. I don't feel like I want to have anything to do with this anymore. It's my own fault, it always has been. I've been playing the biggest fool all along. Why? Why didn't I wake up from the start? I guess nice people always end up being total losers anyway..

No I don't want to care anymore

You know whats wrong with people sometimes? You treat them all so nice. In the end you'll just find out sometimes your efforts are all useless and they're just taking advantage of you. Being timid? People just pick on you from time to time. Commenting on other people's post used to be a habit of old times. Where at least people would reply to what I say. But now, sometimes what I say out is just ignored like it was never there. Why did I ever bother going back there anyways? I'm just troubling myself. Well, at least I know what sort of person I am. I'm the one that keeps it all to himself. I can't really express myself sometimes. Not everyone will listen, and those who say they want to. Well, they're not free all the time. So yeah, pretty much alone most of the time. But that's alright, I was born an only child. I grew up alone. Maybe I'll live my life throughout alone. Fate can be cruel sometimes, it just takes the shit out of you. Some people have the talents but it's just rather wasted. And those who don't have it tend to try and imitate and brag, but they'll just fail miserably. Oh well * sigh * ._. That's life. Hopefully my children won't feel the same way like I do.

Same old story

Same old story, nothing new. The feelings come and go. I wonder when will it all end? Or am I the one who's holding too tight? Afraid to let go.. I can't contain myself sometimes. I break down and cry. People tell me to stop thinking about it. Its easier said than done. How am I suppose to not think about it, when sometimes the thing is just right infront of you. It's so hard to ignore you know.. Yet I question myself sometimes why am I doing this.. I can't even anwser it. If I can't help myself, who can? I'm just so weak ._. what's wrong with me? I can't seem to smile so much these few days. Communication with other people just seems so alien, so new, so weird to me. And the smile on my face doesn't last long. It will fade away eventually.. I guess its my own fault. Who else is there to blame? I shouldn't keep staying mad at you. But you're just so obstinant, so stubborn.. How am I suppose to forgive you? I really wish you could just disappear from this house. Maybe come back after a while after I've cooled off. I can't bear with this silent treatment for months. It's just driving me crazy. Who would understand me?

O.O

I'm so hyper! This song i found on the internet was sooooo addictive that I'd almost jumped in the library and started dancing. If only people would do it together it would be more fun! :P it is fun in such a way and it makes you feel happy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U9JVprvSgY
this is just one of the versions of dancing. There are many other versions but the message is all the same. Dance and be happy!