Goatdamnit

What the hell? I said I didn't want a bloody MYVI and yet that kind of thing pops out of nowhere. Words cannot describe how angry I am with the both of them. Whatever happened to consulting me first before getting the car? That's the last straw, I am not driving that bloody box even if its the last car on earth. I rather carpool till the day I die and don't expect me to ease up my anger or my stubbornness. I asked for a bloody Vios and yet no one wants to listen to me. Fine, if that's the way you want it then you'll be sorry you'll ever did that to me.

I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU! AND ALL YOUR PETTY LITTLE LIES! YOU MAKE ME SICK TO THE GUT! YOUR THE MOST SELFISH TWAT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! YOU CARE NOT FOR ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF! YOU THINK WE MADE YOU DEPRESSED? YOU ARE BRINGING YOUR OWN TROUBLES AND SORROW! STOP BEING SUCH A FOOL AND BE A MAN ALREADY! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE YOU SHIP SHAPE INTO A REAL MAN? INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO THOSE ASSHOLES WHO DON'T EVEN MAKE MUCH OF A LIVING! THEY'RE MAKING A FOOL OUT OF YOU! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT? NOW THAT YOU LOST ALMOST EVERYTHING INCLUDING THE TRUST OF YOUR OWN FAMILY! WHO CAN YOU BLAME? AND YOU STILL DON'T WANT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT! THATS RIGHT! YOU'RE FOOLISH! FOOLISH TO THE CORE THAT I DO NOT EVER WANT TO MENTION ANYTHING SOMETIMES TO YOU! JUST... JUST.... Just... Please... Get out of our sight.. We don't want you anymore... You're dragging us down... You're dragging me down... You're making me a victim of a war which you started... You never ever cared how I feel... You just let yourself run wild like some kind of animal trying to get people to listen to you and follow you cause you gawdamn think everything you do is right. I'm sick of that, you don't deserve respect! You don't deserve my trust! Hell no human being alive in this world can earn my full trust! I trust nobody and why should I even worry about that? Psh, I'm losing friends cause of scum like you dragging me down. Just get the hell out of my sight already... I'm tired of seeing your sorry ass... I'm tired of feeling sorry for you... I'm tired of giving you my sympathy but you're not making it any better out of yourself...

SHUT UP!

I HATE YOU ALL! GAWDAMNIT WHY DO YOU PEOPLE JUST LOVE TO MAKE EMPTY PROMISES? COMPLAIN? START SPITING SPIKES BEHIND PEOPLES BACKS! HELL IT AIN'T MY PROBLEM AND WHY MUST I SUFFER FOR IT? WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE AND WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR STUPID FUCKING ACTIONS WHICH I WASN'T EVEN INVOLVED IN AND THE STUPID WAR YOU ARE ALL HAVING NOW? DONT YOU ALL KNOW THAT I'M THE REAL VICTIM HERE?

AND YOU! I'VE PAID SO MUCH BLOODY ATTENTION TO YOU AND ALL YOU DID WAS JUST IGNORE THE HELL OUT OF ME! I SPENT ALL MY TIME WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING AND FUCK YOU NEVER EVER! EVER!!!!! TOOK ME INTO CONSIDERATION! GAWDAMNIT I JUST WISH YOU GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE RIGHT NOW IM JUST SO GAWDAMN PISSED THAT I WANT TO CHOP OFF MY ARM AND WATCH MYSELF BLEED TO DEATH!

IS IT A SIN TO BECOME POOR? WHY DO YOU PEOPLE AVOID US LIKE A PLAGUE? WHAT DID WE DO WRONG? IS MONEY THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU PEOPLE? IS IT?! IS IT FUCKING IMPORTANT THAT BLOOD TIES MEAN NOTHING COMPARED TO MONEY? ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND? I'M SO BLOODY SICK OF YOU I JUST WANT TO LIVE LIKE A HERMIT LIKE THE REST OF MY LIFE! YOU ALL BEST STAY OUT OF MY WAY NOW OR FEEL THE WRATH OF MY RAGE WHICH I HAVE NEVER EVER RELEASED AT ALL!

Nothing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIa4xKHQB_k
Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help you to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can see where this is gonna end
But they all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if i go there now
I can change your mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I'm face to face that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting
She'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change your mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing

She said nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
Nothing
I got nothing
Nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Oh sometimes love is intoxicating
Oh you're coming down your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change your mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing

She said nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
Nothing
I got nothing
Nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
I got nothing
I got nothing

I've gained nothing but I've lost a lot of things </3

Everything that happened I take it too personal.

Sometimes I can pretend nothing has happened at all. I could go on living my life and turning a blind eye to all that is happening around me. But sometimes there's always someone or something that reminds me that no matter how hard I try to blind out the fact it will always come back no matter what.

What am I suppose to do?
Cry? My eyes are dry already.
Talk to someone? I've just got into a silly little misunderstanding because of my little foolishness. Talking to the same person over and over seemed like complaining. And they can't comfort much.
Oh well, maybe I should start getting used to this feel. After all this isn't the first time. Isn't the first time I've been in a foul mood and somebody has thrown me further off course.
I'm sorry but that's just the way I am.
I've been trying not to think.
The fact some people just ignored me makes me want to kill myself.
We used to talk for like hours and everyday in the past. But what happened in the past will forever be in the past.
Its hard being poor. Being poor in wealth, moral values, personality, looks. In the 21st century nobody will pay much attention to you.
Why? Cause money was the main attention of everybody. That piece of damn paper has struck into our very soul.
Money has drive me nuts from time to time. Because of a want for things which are a bit too hard to acquire. And the temper seems to grow as I keep feeding it. It will not stop and I have no idea how to stop this temper from overtaking me before its too late...
Dear God please help me..
I'm so tired of being so pathetic when I'm trying to be the good person but with a bad mouth that gives away everything.

From the beggining till the end

First time I saw you, I didn't have much impression to begin with. That was 7 years ago and the first impression you gave me was pretty much a bad one so I didn't bother to remember much.

Form 4: We were in the same class but still you don't catch much of my attention. Only few lines we exchanged and nothing much came out of it.

Form 5: It was Chinese New Year when I first talked to you. I managed to take your number and we had a pleasant little chat. It wasn't much that time. Not long later I began to have grow a little fond of you. There was once where I asked you to go have a little tea time with me. You agreed and we walked together to the place. In my heart there was a voice saying what if you'll fall for her. I simply shrugged off that feeling but I was wrong.

Months later: I began to dig a hole for myself. I was actually growing fonder of you each moment. Sometimes I get a little jealous when guys overwhelm you. I remembered once when you didn't the paper for the lesson and I gave you mine and became a scapegoat. But Mr.Samson knew about it anyways. Once I tried to get into yo-yo just to get to get closer to you. I remembered once I went to Gerko so that we could meet up and go to the meeting together. But the driver forgot and we had to walk all the way from our school to the meeting together. I have never felt happier than that. It was raining that day and I had to bring an umbrella because you didn't have one. You tried to get farther away but I was pretty persistent and kept shielding you. Afraid that you'd get wet and fall sick from the rain. I even went to a birthday party of a friend just because you were going.

My birthday: Early in the morning I get a few small presents and birthday wishes. I started scanning around but you weren't there. My heart was a little sad and I silently said if you showed up that would be enough and it would mean everything for me. Surprisingly you came and gave me a small present. I was both surprised and happy, I have never been that overjoyed.

Before SPM: The tuition center had a seminar and I heard you were going. I was so eager and actually tricked my father to let me go. So in the end I actually went. I went in early just to book a seat for you to sit next to me. But for the next few days of the seminar you were pretty cold towards me. But I was a bit optimistic cause I get to sit next to you.

Few months before SPM : You ignored me. I was so upset but I managed to try to keep myself in one piece and thinking it is not over yet. It was the very first time I cried in front of somebody which was the school counselor. You were not often in class and I was hoping very much to see you there as the days of graduation close by.

Graduation day: I wanted to have a little fun with you but you treated me like an intruder in your life. You were pretty cold that day I can still remember. I cried all the way home.

End of SPM: We went for movies and I only had a simple little wish to sit next to you. But my wish was cut short when you ran off to the back. And the entire night of the movie I was feeling upset. Yet again I went home and told my best friend about it. She said I was a short on the fuse and she was right. So I decided to try to forget you.

After SPM: I went for a holiday a few days after SPM ended. I did a little makeover and somehow people told me I look nice. I didn't give much thought and simple shrugged off the compliments. I even messaged good luck to you during your yo-yo competition. We had a nice chat for those few days. But I had my heart for someone else, so you weren't much to me that time.

Chinese New Year: You came to Nadia's house. I felt a bit uneasy but I just simply shrugged it off. At the end of the day to sum it all up I decided to go back for you. How that was the biggest mistake of my life.

Valentines Day: I asked you to be my Valentines but you rejected me but I wasn't sad at all. Yet we talked and everything was fine.

March: Your birthday was around the corner and I wanted to plan a surprise party for you but in the end only 3 people showed up. Still we had great time and I will remember that day.

University life: It was the beginning of a new life and you even posted on my wall to ask how was school. The next thing I know you introduced me to a game called S4 League. Then Grand Chase. I played those games just to simple get closer to you. Since I can't see you often. You once saw my skype status and asked me who was that person who I liked. I said it was you and you didn't seem to mind. I regretted not confessing and asking you to be mine. There was once I came back from holiday and you asked me nonsense, I got mad and didn't talked to you for 2 days straight.

Months later: You began to grow hot and cold towards me. Most of the time you were very cold towards me. I couldn't stand it, I cried so much. I grew paranoid and had the fear of losing you. I grew anti-social and began withdrawing back into a shell like a clam. I failed my first semester because I was too busy trying to get your attention.

1 month later: We went out. Things didn't seem pretty, you were annoyed by my presence but I just totally try to be optimistic about it. I came home and saw your status, you said we should just be friends. I cried myself to sleep, I didn't have any appetite for the next few days. Nightmares keep recurring every night for that week and sleeping was horrible for me. But I decided to be optimistic and try to be your friend. I even went through all the troubles and bought you a present from overseas. It cost quite a bit but I didn't mind cause I knew that's what you always wanted.

Another month later: I realized that I found happiness through my friends and decided not to let it go. So I gave up on you and went my own way. We didn't talk for quite a while.

Nearing Christmas: I was asked to go for a BBQ Steamboat with my friends. They invited you and I felt very uneasy that night seeing you around. I swore not to be anywhere near you.

New Years Eve: They forced me to take the present to your house because they didn't want to help me do it. You liked the present and I was happy. 

Chinese New Year: We went visiting together. Still I didn't pay much attention to you. We just had a little square of fun together.

March: Again the feeling came back and I can't shrug off this time. We celebrated your birthday and you seemed to have fun. I was happy for you.

April: We grew closer. For the first time in 2 years. You actually told me about some personal stories and problems. Once you even asked for some advice and I tried my best to scoop out the best advice I could think of. I thought it was going to be a bright road. I was happy and you were a big factor that keeps me happy. My family was almost broken up but I found that I still had a reason to be happy for. Then the day came, you asked me questions about something to do with touching someone's heart. I was panicked-stricken. So I decided it's now or never, I told you how I feel. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best, expecting the worst.
I waited....
Few seconds later...
You said you couldn't accept me.
I tried all my best and you couldn't accept me. Was it my fault? Or was it yours? You never tell me to stop or maybe I was just too persistent to actually listen. This was my 3rd time I got rejected. But I felt a bit relieved cause I said what I actually felt in this 2 years. Life has never been this up and down for me. You said we should just be friends, and you never had any feelings for me even. Back 2 years until now you never feel anything for me. I felt like a fool and I cried myself the whole day. I saw your status you said you might lose a friend forever. Truth is, was I ever your friend from the beginning? Or was I just a tool? I saw quite a few statuses saying that you were sad. I thought they meant me but my friend said it can't be you so stop being paranoid. I felt sad. How can you be so heartless? Do you know how much pain I have gone through? Why can't you just see it? You were everything for me and now I've lost you where else can I go? I took up drumming lessons and vocal class. I did this just to try to impress you but I haven't mastered it so I didn't want to show you anything yet.

May: The days are dark. Smiling has never been on my face often and if they were they don't last long. I'm back to reality and everyday at home felt like war. A battle everyday I must face. I caught up a bad habit even , drinking. I drink to forget you and everything that surrounds me. But what's the use? It didn't bring me anywhere and I was just torturing myself inside out. Sometimes I cried and try to calm myself down. People tell me it will go away but it doesn't seem to calm the pain down in the present. Why talk about the future when the pain is still present? Have they not know that I feel the pain now? I tried to avoid you as much as possible. I didn't want to talk or game with you. But there's a part of me that wants to do it again with you. But the other part forbids me to do so because if I do I will end up in the same way I was before. I don't want to end up in a circle. For the past 2 years chasing you felt like an I was chasing after an illusion only. You were never there to begin with. But the pain I feel now is so real that I can't help but shed a few tears sometimes. I have dug a hole deep enough to trap myself inside. If only you could see this.. I just want you to know I love you and I don't want to feel like a fool anymore so I'm trying to move on...

Thinking of you

Cause when I'm with her
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I

Was looking into your eyes.. 

 

 

I'm already starting to miss the days we spent together. I do admit I enjoyed every minute of it, thank you for such wonderful memories. If only you could see this. I just want to say I can never move on and I'll never find someone who can replace you.